Your Feelings Are Valid. Your Narrative Might Not Be.

Validation is something we hear a lot about these days.

Someone needs to be validated. It sounds like you need to be validated. The truth is, we all need validation.

There are a lot of layers to this topic, but I'm going to keep it simple. Mostly for my own sake. The older I get, the more I appreciate simple things.

I always like to start with a definition so we're all on the same page.

In psychology, validation means recognizing and accepting another person's emotions or experiences as real and understandable, even if you don't necessarily agree with them.

That definition is important because people often confuse validation with agreement.

They are not the same thing.

This confusion feeds into the popular idea that "everyone has their own truth."

To a degree, that's true.

I have my own experiences. I have my own perspective. I have my own interpretation of events. In that sense, I have my own truth. But my truth is not automatically the truth. It doesn't mean everyone else needs to subscribe to my view of the world. It simply means that this is how I experienced it.

When we are young, our parents are supposed to provide validation. It is one of the ways children learn that they are safe, seen, and understood.

Unfortunately, not all of us receive that.

I was raised in a generation where many parents responded to tears with, "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about."

Ouch.

What a message for a child.

The lesson isn't, "Let's figure out what's wrong." The lesson is, "Your feelings are inconvenient. Make them disappear."

When a child's emotions are repeatedly dismissed, minimized, mocked, or punished, it can create an unhealthy view of themselves and the world around them. Somewhere along the line, I became conditioned to believe that my needs were inconvenient.

That belief followed me into adulthood.

If I was hurting, I tried to hide it.

If I needed help, I tried to figure it out myself.

If I was overwhelmed, I assumed I should be able to handle it.

My first instinct was rarely to ask for support. My first instinct was to make the problem disappear before it bothered anyone else.

When children grow up believing their needs are inconvenient, they often become adults who apologize for taking up space. They become hyper-independent, people-pleasers, caregivers, and fixers. They learn how to take care of everyone except themselves.

At the same time, I am not advocating for over-gentle parenting where every emotion becomes the center of the universe and every feeling is treated as fact. That is simply the opposite extreme.

Healthy parenting lives somewhere in the middle.

A child can be taught boundaries, accountability, resilience, and self-control while still having their emotions validated.

A parent can say, "I understand that you're angry," while also saying, "No, you still can't hit your brother."

The emotion is validated.

The behavior is corrected.

Both things can be true at the same time.

The same principle applies to adults.

Where things become unhealthy is when someone begins presenting their personal truth as an unquestionable narrative that everyone else must accept. Validation then becomes less about understanding and more about demanding agreement.

That's not validation.

That's conformity.

Healthy validation enhances trust. When someone feels heard and understood, they become more willing to engage in honest conversation. Trust is built.

When someone trusts me, I don't take that lightly.

Trust is a gift.

And when trust exists, people are often more willing to listen.

This is where validation creates an opportunity for factual truth.

Let me give an example.

Imagine a friend comes to you and says, "My boss hates me."

You could immediately respond with, "That's ridiculous. I'm sure your boss doesn't hate you."

The facts may support your conclusion, but you've skipped a critical step.

Instead, you might say, "It sounds like you're feeling rejected and discouraged. I can understand why that would upset you."

Notice what happened.

You didn't agree that the boss hates them.

You validated the emotion.

Once the person feels heard, they are far more likely to engage in a conversation about the facts.

You can then ask questions.

"What happened that made you feel that way?"

"Has your boss actually said those things?"

"Could there be another explanation?"

Validation opens the door to truth because people stop defending their emotions and start exploring reality.

When we fail to validate others, they often become more entrenched in their position. They spend their energy fighting to prove their feelings are legitimate.

When we validate the feeling while still examining the facts, something remarkable happens. People relax. Trust grows. Honest conversation becomes possible.

Validation is not agreeing with every narrative.

Validation is not accepting someone's version of reality without question.

Validation is acknowledging that another person's feelings make sense from where they stand.

Truth still matters.

Facts still matter.

But often the path to truth begins by making sure someone feels seen, heard, and understood first.

There is one more piece to this, though.

Ultimately, we are responsible for validating our own emotions and experiences.

That doesn't mean we stop caring about being understood by others. Human beings are wired for connection, and healthy relationships involve mutual validation. But there comes a point when we can no longer wait for a parent, spouse, friend, boss, or stranger to give us permission to feel what we feel.

Some of us may never receive the validation we deserved as children.

Some of us may never hear the apology we long for.

Some of us may never get the acknowledgment that would make everything suddenly make sense.

At some point, healing requires us to say, "My experience was real. My feelings matter. I don't need a unanimous vote from everyone around me to acknowledge what I lived through."

Self-validation is not self-pity.

It is not making yourself the center of the universe.

It is simply recognizing your own emotions honestly and treating yourself with the same compassion you would offer someone else.

Ironically, when we learn to validate ourselves, we become less dependent on others agreeing with us. We become more open to examining facts, receiving feedback, and considering other perspectives because our sense of worth is no longer hanging in the balance.

The goal isn't to be validated by everyone.

The goal is to be honest with ourselves.

Just a Final Note...

Everything I've written here comes from my own personal experience. Like everyone else, I've learned many lessons the hard way. I've done some things well, and I've done some things I wish I had done differently. That's part of being human.

What matters is that I learned. And I will continue learning because that's really all any of us can do.

We keep putting one foot in front of the other.

We grow.

We heal.

We try to understand ourselves a little better than we did yesterday.

Along the way, we offer grace where we can, seek truth where we can find it, and love the people around us as much as we can.

None of us gets it all right.

We just keep moving forward.

One step at a time.

One lesson at a time.

One act of love at a time.

Sandy